Why Believe You Are Free to Choose Who You Are?

Am I the result of my past experiences? Am I determined by my past?  This is a question psychologist and philosophers will forever continue to debate. But for you to become a better person you need to answer it right away. Your answer will be important in determining your path forward.

If you want my answer you can find it in, Becoming a Better Marriage Partner. It begins with believing you have an Inner-Self. There are other names for this Inner-Self. But regardless of the name used, you must believe that within you there is an Inner Self that makes decisions, chooses, and is free. If you believe this then everything changes about your self- development and becoming a better person. You can throw of the shackles of old habits, compulsions, and even addictions to choose a new way forward.

Essentially, your Inner -Self can ask the question, “What is the good thing for me to do?” then find answers, and choose to act in accordance with the answers. Fortunately,   most people believe they exist as an entity, a person, or a real Self. It is extremely important that you believe you are more than a conditioned body and brain determined by past experience. You then will  not end up blaming your past and seeking to defend a false self concept. Believing that you exist as a real entity that is free to choose and direct your actions is necessary for optimal growth and change.

During the mid 20^th century many psychologists inspired by Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow believed what I have just explained. Today, in the 21^st century, the same point of view is expanded by those calling themselves positive psychologists. The important point for you to take away at this time is that you can really choose to be good and you are not bound by your past. You  become  a better person by living true to your Inner-Self.

Your Question: Do you feel you have an Inner-Self? Do you believe that you can choose to be a better person than you are right now?

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Why Communicate With Your Inner-Self?

All of us have many selves or identities. We have acquired these identities through years of experiences, through years of being told by others what we are.  Lila’s mother shouts, “You are just a little troublemaker.” Bill’s dad continually calls him, “My little man.” For years he tells his wife, “You are an angel.” and for years his classmates and teachers called him the clown of the class. Through words, awards, labels, and how we are treated we come to accept these identities given to us by others.

The  world is set up to give you one or more identities such as truck driver, teacher, brain, happy-go-lucky, sneaky, student, leader, follower, wimp, and the list is endless. At some point in time most people just end up accepting one or more of these identities. These are false identities or social identities and are not your true Inner-Self.

In contrast you have a true Inner-Self that is the real you. The Inner-Self is continually learning, evolving, developing and if given just half a chance moves towards becoming a better person. There is a natural growth tendency towards health and wholeness. Sadly, for many this true inner identity has been covered up, or replaced by one or more of these false identities. A person can really lose touch with who he truly is. Sometimes we say such a person is not real but a phony.

The main point of this explanation is that you want to be always communicating with this genuine core Inner-Self.  This is good because you then have the opportunity to be self-directing in a genuine way consistent with your true Inner-Self. In contrast when believe you are one of these false identities you are controlled by social expectation and need to constantly maintain an image consistent with the false identity.  Communicating, staying in touch, remaining true with your evolving and ever-changing Inner-Self is not only valuable for successful living but will bring you real serenity and security. .

Self test question: Can you tell when you are living and making decisions consistent with your true Inner-Self as compared to a social or false identity.

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Why Talk To Yourself?

Who do you talk to when you talk to yourself? This is a mystery eluding scholars for centuries. Now, I am going to give one answer that might appeal to you and be useful. You probably have heard expressions such as, “Part of me says yes and part no” or “My heart said yes but my mind said no” or “I asked myself if this was the thing to do and the answer was yes.” This self talk clearly has two voices. Is it your social-learning-self taking to your true Inner-Self? Is it your conscience?

You might have  your  own  explanation  because talking to one’s self it is so universal and present in daily experience. Talking to yourself is not abnormal– it is not a psychotic split personality or hallucination. The fact that talking to one’s self continues for so many is a sign that it is beneficial, sought after, and rewarding. Why?

The reason people talk to themselves might also be revealed in some common expressions such as,”I told myself not to be afraid”.  “What should I do with the money”, “How can I explain this to her”, “Remember the last time I did this, it was a mess” or “Please, don’t let me blow this opportunity”.

Hundreds of these conversations go on each hour from morning into night.  People receive guidance, support, information, courage, and comfort to mention just a few ways talking to yourself is rewarding. Now, whether you know just what or to who you are talking is not so important. What is important is that your self-talking brings answers, comfort, and valuable guidance.

 

Your Question: When and where do you find benefits from you own self talk?

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Why Trust Your Inner Self?

Some believe it is impossible to live without anxiety in this complicated modern world. But it is not. Notice that there are some who travel though these troubled waters without pain, worry and this thing called anxiety. What is their secret?

You will find these people are different in several ways. But the most important is that they believe in themselves. They believe that they have an Inner-Self that chooses and is self directing. While being free, making life changing decisions, this Inner-Self is accepting of personal limitations and shortcomings thus being realistic.

With a positive, healthy, and strong Inner-Self you can encounter enormous frustrations, disappointments without breaking down. More importantly you will be able to see beauty, opportunity, and many other positive things that others miss.

Fortunately, you already have this Inner-Self. It is you and has been with you since birth. Now you may have just ignored this fact and feel you are being tossed and turned in the rough sea of this modern world. The first step out is to realize that you can choose what you will be, respond the way you want to negative events, and choose your life course. This begins with knowing you have a free, agentic, Inner-Self.

Your Question:  Do you feel free to be what you want to be, to choose how you respond to frustrations and difficulties in your life?

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Why Return To Your Inner Self?

Don’t wait for the world to change to be happy. Self change is much easier and you can make it happen right now. It is so hard to learn that genuine, consistent happiness is not delivered by outside events but instead comes from within you. There is no way you can have all that you want to make you happy for when you get all  you want you will want more.

Look at those who have everything. They win the lottery, get an Oscar, amass a fortunate, have platinum record sales, and earn the most valuable player award.  With  all  this  why would they ever commit suicide, turn to drugs, become depressed, and be miserable marriage partners. Of course not all experience such unhappiness but their happiness level is no higher, usually lower, than the average person.

The only way to true, long-lasting happiness is to free up your Inner-Self; for you to be your intended genuine Inner-Self. You were born to be happy and positive and be this way even when encountering the ups and downs of life. Sometimes the world gives us false identities, negative self evaluations, and treats us in ways that cause us to betray our true Inner-Self. When this happens we don’t find happiness coming from within but search for it through attention, fame, power, money, accomplishments, and getting lost in physical pleasure.

So return to your true Inner-Self that can accept the world as it comes to you, put others ahead of self-interest, and be  loving. That is the way you were meant to be, that is your true Inner-Self.

 

Your Question: Can you remember a time when things went bad for you but you still managed to  be happy. Why? Did the happiness come from within?

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Why Live In the Present?

Why would anyone want to live in the past or the future when they can live in the present? But that is what so many do. They miss so much everyday beauty, they don’t see  many opportunities to laugh and spend time with friends. Days, time, and life slip by while they are bemoaning sad past experiences or imaging their happiness in the future when summer comes, when a a vacation comes, or when they find riches. Why? Is there an alternative?

The alternative is to live in the present. Live in the present as much as possible to touch, smell, see, and hear the gifts life has to offer. Sure you can savor the past and formulate goals for the future but don’t go there, don’t live there. Live now, live fully, and partake of all that is offered you right now. You need not wait and if you do you lose the Now. Also, the future may not deliver anything as good as you have on the plate before you.

By living in the Present, by being in the Now, you also become more aware and intelligent about everything going on around you. This is just as important as the lessons from the past. It is important for setting future goals. Living in the present, the Now, also immediately makes you a better person because you are present to more completely understand and love others.

Self-test question: Can you identify situations where you lived in the past, future

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Why Move Away From Your Past?

You may believe that you are are held back in your desire to become a better person by your past. Or maybe you believe past experiences prevent you from being what you want to be.  This is not true. Unfortunately, this falsehood is  supported  by some theorists who  argue that a person is determined wholly by past experience. There is another way to view this.

Certainly, one’s past is influential, even powerful; but how does the past, which is now gone, touch you in the present? The only way  possible  is  by influencing memories and present perceptions. But memories and present perceptions are influenced by many  things  other than the past. Thought, experiences, and choices taking place in the  present  continually impact you. They are actually  more important than your past if you allow them to be. Recognizing the power of the present frees you from feeling that your past determines who you are.

It is comforting to know that your Inner-Self can choose which past memories to pay attention to and even choose to ignore some. It is also comforting to know that behavior is determined more by present perceptions which are created by present experiences and choices.  Furthermore, as  your  conscience  grows and becomes stronger it will have a greater influence on your life choices than your  past.  Knowing this you can be optimistic about your ability to direct your future and to become a better person.

Your Question: How much of your day is spent in the past compared to the present and future? To what extent do you think you are free from your past?

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