Why Become a New Person?

The greatest positive outcome of seeking to become a better person may be unexpected and very dramatic. It is that you might not only become a better person but also a new person. Don’t let this shock you. Remember, change is inevitable and also good. So if you move along the road of change you may grow so much that you may not recognize the old you and so it may be accurate to say you have become a new person.

Perhaps we can learn something from those reporting so much self-change that  they  say  they are a new person. They say this with delight as if they are getting a second chance at life, that they are at a new beginning. Usually they refer to having a whole new outlook on life. This new outlook includes fresh perceptions about how they view themselves, their fellowman, society, and God. The choice is yours.

Your Question: Have you ever known someone who changed so much that they seemed like a new person? How did you respond?  Would  you ever accept becoming a new person and if so under what conditions?

Why God?

Have you noticed that those who don’t believe in God still talk to him. They say such things as. “God, damn this tractor” or “Jesus, this place is the shits”. They are also positive saying, “Christ, this is good”. Now of course these are just expressions. There is no real expectations, hope for change, or real intentional meaning.

Notice also that those who believe in God say the same things with a different attitude and wording. For the above they would say, “God, I need a tractor to get this crop in the ground”, or “Jesus, help me get out of here”, or “Christ, thank you and if it be thy will let this continue”.

But even if there really is no God will the believer be better off, will the believer come out ahead because  of  attitude and intentions. Notice also that even if there is no God those who believe in God have the added benefit of  feeling  God’s daily companionship and hope. Step back and think about this. This is a no brainer if you consider the benefits and outcomes.

Self-test question: Would you like to communicate with God? How much of a difference does the certainty of Gods existence influence your answer?

Why Be Loving?

Love is a word used over and over when describing a good person. To become a better person you would expect an increase in love to be one of  your  defining personal characteristics.  However, there is something about love that needs to be understood. It is about the motivation to love. Love is really shortchanged if it is given only with the expectation of an equal return of love. True love is given free without a demand that it be returned with interest or reciprocated.

A second understanding about love related to becoming a better person is the willingness to be the first to offer love.  The better person is willing to love first not knowing what will be the response from the other. As a person moves further along the road to being a better person they realize that they want to love. They have an identity of being a loving person so they want to love and need not wait until they receive love to offer love. Being loving is worth the risk of being rejected or rebuffed. You might say that loving is its own reward.

In Becoming a Better Marriage Partner I write about an interesting irony. It is that we feel sorry for the person who is loved less but loves more in a relationship. My answer on page 74 is, “In some strange way we believe that when a person loves someone more than they are loved back that they suffer. The opposite is true. To love another more has its own reward.”

In your quest to become a better person the opportunity to love is important. That is why the best way to become a better person is to become a better marriage partner and the best way to become a better marriage partner is to become a better person. Now you don’t need to be married to become a better marriage partner but you do need to unselfishly love someone even to the point of being able to put their needs and welfare ahead of your own.

 

Your Question: Is it wise to be wary of a lopsided relationship when it comes to loving another?  Should you make sure your love is returned in equal measure?

Why Be Spiritual?

Being good is at the core of religion, spirituality, and relating with God. Researchers do find that in many moral areas religious/spiritual persons do better and I know of no research demonstrating the opposite.  But why is this? Are more moral people attracted to religion or does religion come first to produce a more moral person? Which comes first? Correlations or associations do not establish cause and effect.

There is one observation I have come to observe over my years of living and researching that addresses this question. Many find that God is so real to them that  they  pray, listen, and then feel that God prompts them to act. In such cases one must assume they are not asking how to act badly. In addition the act of praying for answers about how to act must be delivering some helpful answers otherwise the practice of prayer would have been dropped years ago. I do add in the last chapter of Becoming a Better Marriage Partner,  that  the  key important question can be phrased as; “What would God have me do?”  Therefore if you are a spiritual or religious person you have likely asked for moral guidance or strength.

The added benefit for the religious person is that bringing God into the process makes it harder to be self-centered and easier to be other-centered because God is the other. So even without understanding how the process really works the practice of trying to please God by being good or by simply asking God for guidance and strength helps one become a better person. Of course there are religious spiritual persons who are bad and non-religious persons who are good. But here is logic for believing that religion, spirituality, or a belief in  God  helps you become a better person.

Self-test Question: Is it sacrilegious, or in bad taste to become spiritual or religious  for what God  can do for you?

Why Be Forgiving?

Forgiveness and forgetting are two actions that naturally develop when becoming a better person. It is ironic that they are often viewed as  difficult and unrewarding.  But ask yourself if those who don’t forgive are happier than those who forgive easily. The answer to this question should make all of us rush to be forgiving and willing to let go of the past.

But in our journey to become a better person it is equally important to forgive ourselves. In Becoming a Better Marriage Partner the importance of this can be seen on page 70 were it states: “We want to be intelligently aware of past tendencies so that negative experiences can be avoided or prevented in the future. But if people are to change for the better they need to be believed and accepted in their changed form. Retaining the past is a definite detriment to this.”

Thus the ability to forgive and forget is important in becoming a better person and the ability to do this must be applied to both you and to others. This is an ability that can be developed with practice. Be   forgiving  when encountering the many little mistakes that are made daily. You need not wait until some great calamity takes place to become forgiving.

The value of forgiving and forgetting to your personal development is that it moves you away from the past. It will help you live in the present and have a positive outlook towards the future.

Your Question: Can a person be too forgiving? What are the benefits you have found when you are forgiving and even willing to forget?

Why Balance Thinking And Feeling?

We all do it. If we don’t we are dead. If we do it after we are dead  we  will  be alive. It is thinking. If we do it too much and don’t feel enough we are dull. But if we don’t do it enough and feel too much we are erratic and untrustworthy.

Now the relative amounts of thinking and feeling vary so much from person to person that you find yourself saying, “Think before you act”, or “Don’t be so logical about everything, live a little!” You will even find yourself frequently trying to balance your own thinking and feelings. Both are good, both are needed.

The balancing is always taking place and is greatly influenced with what you want out of life. Thinking favors accomplishment and feeling favors happiness.  But  you what both success and joy when living. How do you get  both.

The solution for me is to have a thought for every feeling and a feeling for every thought. Now if you use this ratio you will be on the predictable high self control side of the spectrum. Two of my favorite people,  my son Niko and my wife Janet, have quite a different ratio of feeling and thinking than I do. They have at least three times more feeling than thought. This  is  what  makes me love them so much. It also increases their every day, every moment, joy and happiness so much that it makes me jealous. I have tried to copy them but my old rational self will let me have only one feeling for one thought and furthermore the feeling must always take a back seat to thought. But, fortunately, I have come to realize that they love me this way.

When changing, when growing, when you are becoming a better person you can do a lot to influence how much you think compared to how much you feel. There is no right answer but you have the choice to choose the optimal amount of each for your life.

Self test question: What ratio or balance between thinking and feeling do you desire for yourself?

Why Put Someone Ahead of Yourself?

I propose  that  being  good  brings about  self development, growth and change. How does this happen? My answer to this question has 12 points and they are found on page 79 of Becoming a Better Marriage Partner   .  Let me list them and then comment. They are:

1.    Being Good is both a choice and an action.

2.    Being Good is within the ability of all to understand.

3.    Being Good is the natural you.

4.    Being Good is known at the moment of action.

5.    Being Good is a joyful and desirable feeling.

6.    Being Good is being loving.

7.    Being Good is being responsible.

8.    Being Good is being honest and truthful.

9.    Being Good is being unselfish.

10.  Being Good is being non-judgmental.

11.  Being Good is being forgiving.

12.  Being Good is being devoted, loyal, dependable and committed.

Notice that almost all of the above are about living with others. You will not become a better person alone in a vacuum. You become a better person by interacting with others. Is it not   obvious that the above 12 points apply directly and especially to the day to day intimacy between man and woman?  That is why I say, “The best way to become a better person is to become a better marriage partner and the best way to become a better marriage partner is to become a better person.” Of course there are other ways but none is more certain or sure.

Now, if you are not married don’t leave. These 12 points  apply  to all; married and  unmarried, young and old, male or female, and so on. But to become a better person you do need to put the above 12 points into action. To do this you  need  at least one other person in your life that you care deeply about. You need  to  care  enough  that you will put their needs ahead of your own. The more you do this the sooner you will realize that both you and the one you care about benefit.  So, married or unmarried become a better person by putting into practice the above 12 points.

 You Question: If you just start acting good will you become a better person? Why fear putting another’s needs ahead of our won?

 

Why Be a Better Marriage Partner to Become a Better Person?

To become a better person ask: “What is the good thing for me to do?” Then when you receive an answer to this question you will almost always find it involves another person. Thus your answer to the question of: “What is the good thing to do?” will require an action and the good  action  requires another person to receive it. That is why marriage is such an ideal place to become a better person because each day will present  situations where you have a need to ask: “What is the good thing for me to do?”  Then listen and act.

Some will say do not put another’s needs ahead of your own. But putting anothers needs first is not a bad  thing  but a good thing to do. Actually, it is the essence of   love. For instance, when you sacrifice self-interest you will receive much more than what you gave because  you will realize more personal growth and development. You become a better person. Contrast this with being a self-centered person and the difference is obvious. It is better in all the important ways to be other-centered rather than self- centered.

Considering all this, the way forward means that you need at least one other person in your life with whom you can daily interact with to become a better person. Actually, the more people which whom you can act without being self-centered the better. But there is no place, no relationship where you have a better opportunity to put another’s needs and desires above your own than in a marriage. When you do use these three steps you will not only find it to be growth promoting but also rewarding emotionally whether in marriage or in your many other relationships.

Your Question: What would happen if you ask “What is the good thing to do and what is the right thing to do?” at the same time.

Why Ask, Listen, And Act On Small Matters?

I want to keep this simple so I will reveal right  now  three sequential steps for becoming a better person. The first is to ask the question, “What is the good thing for me to do?”  The second is to listen. The third is to act.  Let me point out that it is your free, agentic, Inner-Self that does the asking, listening, and acting. It is easy to see that your Inner-Self can ask the question of “What is the good thing for me to do?” but what about the listening, about getting the answer to the question. Maybe I am a little too bold when I say the following in Becoming a Better Marriage Partner: (page 81) “If you do this sincerely the answers will always come. And the answer you receive will always be the sure and  true  guide at each moment.”

After the answer comes then you must act. You become a doer of good. Each time you ask, listen for an answer, and then put it into action by living it you become a better person. Asking about small things helps you become a better person just as much as asking, listening, and acting on big, heavy, and dramatic issues in life. The point to see here is that the more you can use, practice, and live by using these three steps the faster you move towards becoming a better person.  Thus, each day when facing either big or little decisions you have the opportunity to become a better person by always asking, “What is the good thing for me to do?” and then listening for the answer, and thirdly putting the answer into action. So, Ask, Listen, Act.

Question of the day: Are there other ways to state, “What is the good thing for me to do?”  What is the advantage of actually putting this question into words that makes it a practical way to guide your decision making?

Why Ask What Is the Good Thing to Do Instead of the Right Thing?

Ask both questions. Both are valuable but they give very different answers.  Asking what is the good thing to do instead of what is the right thing to do brings about an emotional as well as a logical answer. Asking only about right leads to legalistic thinking about rules and laws. I spent most of my professional life researching morality and soon realized that most research focused on moral thinking almost to the exclusion of moral feelings.

You usually call people who ask “What is the right thing to do?”  letter- of- the- law persons for by asking what is right they are lead to rules and laws. They often find a clear definite answer and if they consider nothing else are called rigid. In contrast by asking:  “What is the good thing for me to do?”,  your  attention  turns to personal and emotional consequences. Usually these don’t have clear answers and require more than can be known through rules and laws. People who are able to include feelings  develop  a  wisdom so valuable for understanding what to do in human relationships.

By asking what is the good thing to do you will open the door to moral feelings and you will find the feelings and emotions associated with being good to be the most rewarding personal experiences you can have.

Your Question: When you think about moral and interpersonal problems in your life do you find that different answers emerge when you ask what is good instead of what is right thing to do?