Why a Change of Heart Brings Enduring Change?

The best way for you to be in control of your life is to direct your own personal change.

A strong person determines what is good then acts accordingly. Perhaps one of the most strengthening things you can do is to have a change of heart that is so profound that a whole new way of behaving or living follows. The father of American psychology, William James, documents profound and enduring life changing experiences in his book Varieties of Religious Experience.  In almost all cases there is a dramatic change of heart.

To clarify this let me make a contrast here. Often rewards and punishments are used to change a person’s behavior and we all know that when the rewards and punishments are removed there is a strong likely-hood that the old way of behaving will return. On the other hand if you have a change of heart or a new way of looking at life the behavior change that follows is likely to continue and even become stronger.

So in the course of becoming a better person you benefit by experiencing a change of heart or acquiring new ways of looking at things and these result in more permanent behavior change. Because the heart is changed you become a different, stronger person. In Becoming a Better Marriage Partner  I   describe  how  you  become a better person in an instant, the instant your heart is changed. But more importantly, your change will be more enduring.

Your Question: How often have you changed because you had a change of  heart? Was it a positive experience?

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Why a Change of Heart Brings Instant Change?

As you take control of your life to become a better person there are two basic ways for this to happen. The first way is to change gradually in small even predicable steps and the second is to have dramatic change that comes suddenly. Both kinds of change take place every day.  Let me elaborate on this difference. This clarification has its roots in a graduate class I was teaching in the 1960’s called Theories of Learning.

The most popular theories at the time all emphasized learning a complex behavior by rewarding small successive approximations of the large desired outcome. On the other hand alternative theories focused on insight, creativity, and problem solving where solutions come suddenly and behavior change is immediate once the learner  discovers  the new concept. Your personal growth toward becoming a better person can use either or both of these theories.

I encourage you to use the approach where change comes suddenly in one large leap rather than through small steps.  How can this be possible? Well, while there are many sub- explanations, I propose in Becoming a Better Marriage Partner that it is better to focus on changing the heart rather than changing behavior.

The reason for this is that when  your  heart  is  changed you want to do things differently. You want to behave and act in harmony with your change of heart. When your heart is changed you immediately look at things in a new way. When your heart is softened, expanded, enlarged you immediately become a better person. No waiting, no small steps. You just want to be a better person.

 Your Question: Which of the two ways to change do you prefer? Can you use both at the same time?

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Why Seek Self-Change?

If you are happy, satisfied with your life, and successful why would you ever want to change?  Well there are three reasons. And if you are less than happy, satisfied, and successful the same three reasons apply

The first is whether you like it or not you will be changing. Change is an inevitable part of the human condition.  In  Becoming a Better Marriage Partner  I  point out that you and everyone else will change by tomorrow.  Secondly, I point out that change is good. So think about this; from birth each human is programmed to change. We call this growth or development. Change is at the core of human life.

Let us now combine these two points. If change is inevitable and it is also  good  then  invite and welcome change.  If we fight and drag our feet against the inevitable change we only slow our personal development. Becoming a better person means you will be changing.  Ironically, therapists will tell you that those not satisfied with themselves are the most resistant to changing. But if you want to become a better person it is now time to embrace change. By fighting change  you  will  miss opportunities to become a better person.

Now, for  the third reason. This is the best part. When you   invite, welcome, seek, and accept change you  have  the  opportunity  to  control the direction of change in your life. You choose the goals, the direction, and the way you want to change. Rather than being the passive recipient of what life dishes out, you determine what you will become.  That is what you are doing right now as you choose to become a better person.

Your Question: Why would someone who has high self esteem and satisfied with who he or she is want to change more than  a unhealthy, mal-adjusted person?

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Life Satisfaction and Happiness thru Self-Change, Improvement, Growth, and Development

If you want to become a better person then I want to help. Since 1965 I have been researching, lecturing, and publishing in this area. In this blog I will explain how to make becoming a better person possible for you.  You will find what I say surprisingly different and extremely simple. The basis, mini theory, and foundation for what is presented can be found in my book; Becoming a Better Marriage Partner.  

Every other day I will post for you a short question beginning with the word, Why. The question will be followed by a short explanation to help you come to your own answers. On the alternate days I invite you, your friends, and others to visit this site to comment and discuss the previous postings.

So please join me here on a regular basis and I will share with you what I have learned during my years as a Professor of Psychology and as a father, grand, and great grandfather

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